Wednesday, November 7, 2012

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger;my story

This is my story;

Okay I've told this so much haha but anywaaaaays .. So when I was 4 I wasn't as happy as the other kids and I noticed it so I tried jumping. Out my window because I hate school and always got picked on for everything under sun. Up till my senior year in high school which was last year lol but,  I have been through so ,ugh my grandma died when I was twelve that was really super hard thats When I started to self harm and get into some stuff I shouldn't have Like looking at video and stuff of eating disorders I was still bullied in middle school but it was worse I was not just bullied in school..But was bullied online. In 9th grade I started to date this guy that was good at first but after a few months he cheated and lied to me and He then sexually abused me so much and then on started to self Harm again I didn't know how to handle it so i kept it t my self.....people always have brought me down for my weight but one significant day made me stop eating....Someone in the lunch line yelled out my name and goes she's pregnant and she's also really fat they laughed I didn't eat lunch that day And then I didn't eat for a year and a half I worked out 3 hours a day and ate 500 calories which is not a lot 1/3 of the food u should Around this time last year I was sent to the hospital because of a suicide attempt and that was the 10th one I started to binge and purge and take laxatives as much as I could without getting caught I self harmed 200 times most on my arms but other spots too like waste yand I carved perfect into my leg and I am /have been abuse by my dad I get yelled at all the time and bullied by my parents I've turned to alcohol and drugs and pills for the answer. But that's not who I am anymore yes I'm recovering still recovery doesn't get a day off yes sometimes I still want to turn to that stuff but that's an addiction. You have to stay strong and not worry about what people say 


PS STAY STRONG I LOVE YOU MY TWITTER IS @grandelovato123 or my help account @stopabusenow1

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

....I want out

Have you ever wanted to change places with a person just to feel better even just for a minute...? Well I do always do.. I Want everything to go away I wanna feel better! I want everything to stop.. This is me ranting and raving tonight but I don't care. I feel uncomfortable in my skin most of the time I wanna to "rip" it off not everything is easy but.. ;/.. Have you ever felt sooo low you would DO ANYTHING to feel better..? Yes don't we all.. It seems like more and more people are feeling this way.. We can change it by our attitudes love and care people do care! Don't let anyone or even your self bring you down not everything ia going to be great all the time! Little advice if you feel like cutting, snap your self with a rubber band instead or paint your toe nails you won't get anywhere except feeling guilty for doing it. Well I do anyway. Scared of gain weight is my game. Fighting my weight all my life! Not skinny enough pretty enough GOOD enough.. Why do we have to have these feelings they goig through everyone's head! Getting I'm to digital drama here's what you can do if on Facebook block the person, texting block the phone # or change yours.. Don't let them bring you down yeah bullying hurts TRUST me.. I've been through it all.. But always remember love is louder than the pressure to be perfect!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

"silence is such a great source of strength..."

Dear who ever is reading this;

Learned alot in the last few months. Gonna tell 5 things I've learned.
1) You can only change your self even know how hard it might be. Your parent,relitive,conusler,sibling,friend..or who ever you can talk to, can only say stuff to HELP but can't tottaly change you with out you putting in a little effort
2) You can change the bad voices in your head by putting food ones in there instead.. For example instead of saying your ugly or fat every morning..tell your self you are beautiful the way you are & you AREN'T fat, or if you're thinking about cutting try to say I DONT WANNA CUT IM NOT BEING HEALTHY THIS WAY.
3) If you are having thoughts about killing your self talk to an adult not your friends because put yourself in their shoes and had to worry about that.. how would you feel.?
4) ITS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP!!  This is the most important thing i think ive learned in the last feewww years.
5)  Everyone has a purpose in life just wait for it and it will come... PROMISING this to anyone even if you think there is no getting through tough times. Bad times come and go but the sun will come out again. KEEP YOU HEAD HELD HIGH EVEN IF YOUR GOING TO BURST OUT CRYING :')
The best way to help someone is to tell a story,so im going to tell you a story.
One day this summer I hurt people emotionally by saying i was going to cause harm to myself,and well it turned into this huge thing my friend crying, getting into a fight(not physical) i was hurt to and they didn't even know  but the moral to the story is i stayed strong though that whole thing NO matter how bad things get you gotta keep hope that things will get better thats what i did and to tell the truth they did.. i think it got me closer with them(sounds bad) but it did..or it feels like it and it makes u realize how important people can mean to you 
_someone who's trying_

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Recovery is a daily battle!

hello :) ; 
school is finally out for the summmmerrr! Things have been going GREAT, and I can say that truthful and honest. I have the best of friends they have helped me through so much and I really appreciate all of it.
Hard work must pay off because i've been working so hard to get rid of this depression and guess what its gone.*knock on wood*! I have over come anorexia I totally kicked its ass. Just eating a little at a time and working your way up. I am me, and im proud of it. I believe that I'm NOT fat unlike what i was saying like a month ago, i haven't cut in two weeks. But the total number of cuts 26. Total number of weight loss 33. No I'm not proud of doing either of these things, especially the cutting! The anorexia was so tiring and a struggle each day to NOT eat so i gave up not eating and wanted to find my self again which i have and it feels really good to know who I am. I started to find new places for the cuts and then i realized i needed to stop not only was i effecting my health,but also making people scared.. never gonna happen again. I realize that all the time wasted on these thoughts and etc were definitely NOT worth my time. although my grades were up and down because of this im just glad i passed everything. You can do whatever you set your mind to i know that sounds like a cliche but it is definitely the straight out truth.put the past behind you and you gotta move on even know that sounds extremely difficultt its not.
Know that you are loved and cared about even if you think you aren't.
P.S- prove to YOURSELF you CANN do it:)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

To wirte love on her arms

Hello there;
Haven't blogged in like 2 months. Well where to start. I cut 19 times in total. Lost 30+ pounds and not the healthy way either. I appreciate my friends they have helped me with soo much & also are my life support.I've learned somethings the last two months, that i want you to take from reading this blog even if you arent going its good to know why people cut etc. My parents noticed I was cutting when I reached to open the fridge door and asked what it was, I told them it happened at boces,which is where you can go to get a "head start" on the career you want to do and get the basic info and techniques, anyways they asked me every once in a while and i said the same thing every time i decided i need to get help, only because of my friend NATASHA.  People need to learn that people dont cut because they want to kill them selfs but accidents do happen, but they do it because they need some sort of release and don't know how else to deal with it so they turn to cutting, and its like a "vicious cycle" you feel great for a mintue then after you feel soo low. The dangers in cutting are obvious,such as losing too much blood or even just getting an infection. But there is also an emotional risk behind it. Some people say that cutting is "addicting". The bodies endorphins are raging when you cut. There are out lets instead of cutting. Such as snapping your self with a rubber band, panting, working out, writing, drawing anything to get your mind off it. This is my outlet, whenever i feel like i want to i just write a blog but haven't had time in the last few months.

People may cut themselves on their wrists, arms, legs, or bellies. Some people self-injure by burning their skin with the end of a cigarette or lighted match.
When cuts or burns heal, they often leave scars or marks. People who injure themselves usually hide the cuts and marks and sometimes no one else knows.

Anorexia- is a SERIOUS eating disorder which can cause you to lose weight fast, with self starvation or  being malnourished. 
If you think you may have this go see a doctor or tell someone right away. Do you really want to become sick and be in a hospital almost dead. THINK about the people who care about you, think how they feel. The doctors will be feeding you through a tube or you will be in the city morgue. 

YOU NEED TO TAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THIS IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS ANY OF THESE TELL A TEACHER OR COUNSELOR ASAP. Suicide is not the answer to your problem you can get help. dont run away from them you have the whole rest of your life to live dont miss out on seeing the world or whatever your plans are.

Stay strong!!!!!

-Kate P-

Monday, May 9, 2011

A little bit stronger

Well lately things have been just going down hill ive been cutting but figured I'm going to get a tattoo like Demi lavato "stay strong" my wrists or feet not sure yet! But I've cut 4 times in the last week... I need help and lots and lots of it... I haven't been really eating either I've been lying and saying I have been an last night was so bad It almost went TOO far..I want this all over with & don't know how much more bull shit I can take..been also having really bad dreams an my anxiety level is high as crap.the only good day I've had was Saturday night when my good friend Megan spent the night.most fun I've had in a while actually.

Stay strong & don't let your head down, keep it up and you can be somebody in this world.
You are worth something to somebody out there even though it may not seem it at the time there are peole who care about you.
That's it for noww
*Kate P*

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Running,running and more running

 I haven't been eat a lot lately... maybe 1000 calories or less.. & when I gain weight i eat even less even if its just a pound. After i eat i always feel guilty that i ate this probably isn't good..I've been working out hard core to the point where I'm dripping with sweat.. & that's all i ever want to do. Things at home are alright i guess.. except we just got flooded.. There was probably 2 feet of water outside of my house & in our basement! i really want to cut but im trying soo hard not to.
Good things;
When I was going to take pills I didnt take them i threw them away because I said to my self  "This isn't worth it you're throwing your life away" so instead of throwing my life away i threw the pills away.

Haven't cut or anything in 3 weeks - a month not quite sure.
 WENT ON A DATE! :) It was so much fun. The most I've had in  a while. We saw a 3D movie my first "real 3D" movie, was pretty awesome & went to the mall :)
That's about it for the good

Bad Things;

Feeling guilty about eating
Wanting / thinking about cutting & suicide. 
Pushing a few people away.
Doing more than 6 pills at once (before i threw away)
Wanting to give up, but know I can't do that to people