Thursday, April 28, 2011

Running,running and more running

 I haven't been eat a lot lately... maybe 1000 calories or less.. & when I gain weight i eat even less even if its just a pound. After i eat i always feel guilty that i ate this probably isn't good..I've been working out hard core to the point where I'm dripping with sweat.. & that's all i ever want to do. Things at home are alright i guess.. except we just got flooded.. There was probably 2 feet of water outside of my house & in our basement! i really want to cut but im trying soo hard not to.
Good things;
When I was going to take pills I didnt take them i threw them away because I said to my self  "This isn't worth it you're throwing your life away" so instead of throwing my life away i threw the pills away.

Haven't cut or anything in 3 weeks - a month not quite sure.
 WENT ON A DATE! :) It was so much fun. The most I've had in  a while. We saw a 3D movie my first "real 3D" movie, was pretty awesome & went to the mall :)
That's about it for the good

Bad Things;

Feeling guilty about eating
Wanting / thinking about cutting & suicide. 
Pushing a few people away.
Doing more than 6 pills at once (before i threw away)
Wanting to give up, but know I can't do that to people

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Long time no blog.

Heyyy there, 
Well were are back to the old habits...JUST GREAT.  I wish there was some way this could all stop for a moment in time just to feel happy for a day would be awesome!i just want to feel "normal" whatever that is.Counting calories, being depressed all this bull shit is so exhausting & anxiety comes along with it.. how fun.. I'm still going to consoling and me and my mom aren't getting along that well. There's not really much else to say oh yeah got called "shallow" for not putting up with any one's shit.. interesting.I should have listened to my mom. Go figure.We just got off of spring break and my anxiety is acting up really bad this week.Depression,anxiety, and an eating disorder cool. 
But advice time;
Dont put your heart out there unless you know they aren't going to hurt you.. just live dont be like me all depressed and crap 
Kate P

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My true hero:)

Hello there this is not about me today but about my closest friend Natasha that is thousand of miles away as still there for me!(:
Thank you so much for everything i love you chick!. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. You have made such a HUGE impact on my life and don't know where or what i would have done... You give me the strength to carry on knowing that suicide isn't worth it & I can be somebody someday. When I'm sad I know  i can count on you to be there always. I really appreciate it and don't know how i can ever re-pay you, it means so much because, people in the past always said "oh yeah I'm here for you" but when i needed them most they put their problems on me or just didn't care.. You're the only one i can really trust to tell anything and everything to no matter what. You helped me understand where I'm going in this great old world.. & helped me when I was all ALONE.. & I promise YOU that I'm always here for you no matter how small of the problem..I've always been afraid to trust anyone or tell anyone 'till i told you & knew that i could tell you anything... You are truly an amazing person & big hearted person.. Don't let anyone tell you differently you're going to be something great in the world and touch many peoples life's. The smallest things always count the most.. this song definitely reminds me of you; :) -Kate P-

Friday, April 8, 2011

& I get a little bit stronger

Well its Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday.. PARTYIN' PARTYIN' YEAH FUN FUN FUN FUUNN!
 Well me & that guy "broke it off" because he lied to me about going to a  dance with a girl and I even asked him "heard you went..." & he said yeah with my friend Gavin, but was his friend gabby. Then he called me shallow because i broke up with him cold hearted person.. Shows his true colors.. So anyways that didn't make me feel any better about my self. But I can't give up... For all of you who think you need to kill yourself you DONT its not worth the pain of your friends and family put your feet in their shoes and imagine if someone did that to you. I almost had a friend die. How can we change the situation that we are in well you can either keep dealing with it or you have to stand up for yourself! You cant let everybody walk all over you're too good for people to be doing that to you. Yes I did cut my self again...What does that make that 9.. ugh this really need to stop.. I cant get out of this stupid depression state. I WANT OUT I FEEL AS IF I AM SUFFOCATING . 
I'm done being there for people who aren't even there for me so why should i give to shits about that. I need someone to save me, help me, SOMETHING... :-/. But i guess as all this is going I'm getting a little bit stronger and if you can get through this you can get through ANYTHING even heart break though it may not seem it at the time life does go on. everything happens for a reason. Maybe to make you realize how perishes your life is. Let you touch many peoples life's.. Or in other hands leave your footprints in the sand, laugh a little, let that reflection looking back at you in  mirror not bother you or even the past you have to move on from what happened then, you can make a new beginning.. 
-Kate P-

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Old habits go away.

Hi There;
I'm starting to fall back into my old habits with the cutting, pills, not eating... Ive lost 3 more pounds so I've lost 23 pounds overall.. :-/. Yeah it feels good but when i want to eat something my stomach flips up side down & i want to throw up. When people pick on me or call me stupid it just makes the situation worse...Counseling couldn't come any faster... I feel guilty that I don't tell my parents that I'm dating this kid but on the other hand i know if i do tell them they wont respect him because they don't like him i guess. i know they are just looking out for me but... I got to make mistakes on my own with out mommy & daddy always being there to protect me because when i go off to college they aren't going to be there... But anyways I don't want to feel like the ugly duckling any more. Changing your thoughts from bad to good have to be easier than this.. But it's not so easy for me three years of thinking this way might just take a while to shake off.. If something doesn't change i don't know what the serveries are going to be the next time I do something.. cutting too deep, too many pills... If i wasn't for my friend NATASHA I would have probably went farther soooo Thank you for that...

But that's all for noww..
-Kate P-

Sunday, April 3, 2011

how do you know when deep is too deep?

Today's topic cutting, weight loss etc.
First listen to this song maybe this will make you realise what you actually do have why would you be sad about the little things when there are people living like this??..
 When you see your self do you wish people could feel what you feel to really understand how it feels?? I do.Well no one will fully understand how it feels unless they are in your shoes. People think "you're over dramatic" about it maybe they don't under stand how much it actually does hurt you.. The littlest "joke" could be life or death for someone.You never know what someone is going through until you actually KNOW that person you have been picking on, teasing, calling names TORTURING them.. Could go home everyday cut them self's, starve, or even get beat for that matter.. You need to think before you start doing these things. For the people who are going through it don't cut yourself just because people call you names. There's always going to be those heartless people who call people names because they have low self esteems them self's.Keep your heads high and spirits happy.. i know that's hard now a days

Down to 20 pounds less....
 It makes me feel good about my self when i lose weight i dont know about you.

-kate p-