Wednesday, July 27, 2011

....I want out

Have you ever wanted to change places with a person just to feel better even just for a minute...? Well I do always do.. I Want everything to go away I wanna feel better! I want everything to stop.. This is me ranting and raving tonight but I don't care. I feel uncomfortable in my skin most of the time I wanna to "rip" it off not everything is easy but.. ;/.. Have you ever felt sooo low you would DO ANYTHING to feel better..? Yes don't we all.. It seems like more and more people are feeling this way.. We can change it by our attitudes love and care people do care! Don't let anyone or even your self bring you down not everything ia going to be great all the time! Little advice if you feel like cutting, snap your self with a rubber band instead or paint your toe nails you won't get anywhere except feeling guilty for doing it. Well I do anyway. Scared of gain weight is my game. Fighting my weight all my life! Not skinny enough pretty enough GOOD enough.. Why do we have to have these feelings they goig through everyone's head! Getting I'm to digital drama here's what you can do if on Facebook block the person, texting block the phone # or change yours.. Don't let them bring you down yeah bullying hurts TRUST me.. I've been through it all.. But always remember love is louder than the pressure to be perfect!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

"silence is such a great source of strength..."

Dear who ever is reading this;

Learned alot in the last few months. Gonna tell 5 things I've learned.
1) You can only change your self even know how hard it might be. Your parent,relitive,conusler,sibling,friend..or who ever you can talk to, can only say stuff to HELP but can't tottaly change you with out you putting in a little effort
2) You can change the bad voices in your head by putting food ones in there instead.. For example instead of saying your ugly or fat every morning..tell your self you are beautiful the way you are & you AREN'T fat, or if you're thinking about cutting try to say I DONT WANNA CUT IM NOT BEING HEALTHY THIS WAY.
3) If you are having thoughts about killing your self talk to an adult not your friends because put yourself in their shoes and had to worry about that.. how would you feel.?
4) ITS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP!!  This is the most important thing i think ive learned in the last feewww years.
5)  Everyone has a purpose in life just wait for it and it will come... PROMISING this to anyone even if you think there is no getting through tough times. Bad times come and go but the sun will come out again. KEEP YOU HEAD HELD HIGH EVEN IF YOUR GOING TO BURST OUT CRYING :')
The best way to help someone is to tell a story,so im going to tell you a story.
One day this summer I hurt people emotionally by saying i was going to cause harm to myself,and well it turned into this huge thing my friend crying, getting into a fight(not physical) i was hurt to and they didn't even know  but the moral to the story is i stayed strong though that whole thing NO matter how bad things get you gotta keep hope that things will get better thats what i did and to tell the truth they did.. i think it got me closer with them(sounds bad) but it did..or it feels like it and it makes u realize how important people can mean to you 
_someone who's trying_

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Recovery is a daily battle!

hello :) ; 
school is finally out for the summmmerrr! Things have been going GREAT, and I can say that truthful and honest. I have the best of friends they have helped me through so much and I really appreciate all of it.
Hard work must pay off because i've been working so hard to get rid of this depression and guess what its gone.*knock on wood*! I have over come anorexia I totally kicked its ass. Just eating a little at a time and working your way up. I am me, and im proud of it. I believe that I'm NOT fat unlike what i was saying like a month ago, i haven't cut in two weeks. But the total number of cuts 26. Total number of weight loss 33. No I'm not proud of doing either of these things, especially the cutting! The anorexia was so tiring and a struggle each day to NOT eat so i gave up not eating and wanted to find my self again which i have and it feels really good to know who I am. I started to find new places for the cuts and then i realized i needed to stop not only was i effecting my health,but also making people scared.. never gonna happen again. I realize that all the time wasted on these thoughts and etc were definitely NOT worth my time. although my grades were up and down because of this im just glad i passed everything. You can do whatever you set your mind to i know that sounds like a cliche but it is definitely the straight out truth.put the past behind you and you gotta move on even know that sounds extremely difficultt its not.
Know that you are loved and cared about even if you think you aren't.
P.S- prove to YOURSELF you CANN do it:)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

To wirte love on her arms

Hello there;
Haven't blogged in like 2 months. Well where to start. I cut 19 times in total. Lost 30+ pounds and not the healthy way either. I appreciate my friends they have helped me with soo much & also are my life support.I've learned somethings the last two months, that i want you to take from reading this blog even if you arent going its good to know why people cut etc. My parents noticed I was cutting when I reached to open the fridge door and asked what it was, I told them it happened at boces,which is where you can go to get a "head start" on the career you want to do and get the basic info and techniques, anyways they asked me every once in a while and i said the same thing every time i decided i need to get help, only because of my friend NATASHA.  People need to learn that people dont cut because they want to kill them selfs but accidents do happen, but they do it because they need some sort of release and don't know how else to deal with it so they turn to cutting, and its like a "vicious cycle" you feel great for a mintue then after you feel soo low. The dangers in cutting are obvious,such as losing too much blood or even just getting an infection. But there is also an emotional risk behind it. Some people say that cutting is "addicting". The bodies endorphins are raging when you cut. There are out lets instead of cutting. Such as snapping your self with a rubber band, panting, working out, writing, drawing anything to get your mind off it. This is my outlet, whenever i feel like i want to i just write a blog but haven't had time in the last few months.

People may cut themselves on their wrists, arms, legs, or bellies. Some people self-injure by burning their skin with the end of a cigarette or lighted match.
When cuts or burns heal, they often leave scars or marks. People who injure themselves usually hide the cuts and marks and sometimes no one else knows.

Anorexia- is a SERIOUS eating disorder which can cause you to lose weight fast, with self starvation or  being malnourished. 
If you think you may have this go see a doctor or tell someone right away. Do you really want to become sick and be in a hospital almost dead. THINK about the people who care about you, think how they feel. The doctors will be feeding you through a tube or you will be in the city morgue. 

YOU NEED TO TAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THIS IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS ANY OF THESE TELL A TEACHER OR COUNSELOR ASAP. Suicide is not the answer to your problem you can get help. dont run away from them you have the whole rest of your life to live dont miss out on seeing the world or whatever your plans are.

Stay strong!!!!!

-Kate P-

Monday, May 9, 2011

A little bit stronger

Well lately things have been just going down hill ive been cutting but figured I'm going to get a tattoo like Demi lavato "stay strong" my wrists or feet not sure yet! But I've cut 4 times in the last week... I need help and lots and lots of it... I haven't been really eating either I've been lying and saying I have been an last night was so bad It almost went TOO far..I want this all over with & don't know how much more bull shit I can take..been also having really bad dreams an my anxiety level is high as crap.the only good day I've had was Saturday night when my good friend Megan spent the night.most fun I've had in a while actually.

Stay strong & don't let your head down, keep it up and you can be somebody in this world.
You are worth something to somebody out there even though it may not seem it at the time there are peole who care about you.
That's it for noww
*Kate P*

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Running,running and more running

 I haven't been eat a lot lately... maybe 1000 calories or less.. & when I gain weight i eat even less even if its just a pound. After i eat i always feel guilty that i ate this probably isn't good..I've been working out hard core to the point where I'm dripping with sweat.. & that's all i ever want to do. Things at home are alright i guess.. except we just got flooded.. There was probably 2 feet of water outside of my house & in our basement! i really want to cut but im trying soo hard not to.
Good things;
When I was going to take pills I didnt take them i threw them away because I said to my self  "This isn't worth it you're throwing your life away" so instead of throwing my life away i threw the pills away.

Haven't cut or anything in 3 weeks - a month not quite sure.
 WENT ON A DATE! :) It was so much fun. The most I've had in  a while. We saw a 3D movie my first "real 3D" movie, was pretty awesome & went to the mall :)
That's about it for the good

Bad Things;

Feeling guilty about eating
Wanting / thinking about cutting & suicide. 
Pushing a few people away.
Doing more than 6 pills at once (before i threw away)
Wanting to give up, but know I can't do that to people

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Long time no blog.

Heyyy there, 
Well were are back to the old habits...JUST GREAT.  I wish there was some way this could all stop for a moment in time just to feel happy for a day would be awesome!i just want to feel "normal" whatever that is.Counting calories, being depressed all this bull shit is so exhausting & anxiety comes along with it.. how fun.. I'm still going to consoling and me and my mom aren't getting along that well. There's not really much else to say oh yeah got called "shallow" for not putting up with any one's shit.. interesting.I should have listened to my mom. Go figure.We just got off of spring break and my anxiety is acting up really bad this week.Depression,anxiety, and an eating disorder cool. 
But advice time;
Dont put your heart out there unless you know they aren't going to hurt you.. just live dont be like me all depressed and crap 
Kate P

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My true hero:)

Hello there this is not about me today but about my closest friend Natasha that is thousand of miles away as still there for me!(:
Thank you so much for everything i love you chick!. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. You have made such a HUGE impact on my life and don't know where or what i would have done... You give me the strength to carry on knowing that suicide isn't worth it & I can be somebody someday. When I'm sad I know  i can count on you to be there always. I really appreciate it and don't know how i can ever re-pay you, it means so much because, people in the past always said "oh yeah I'm here for you" but when i needed them most they put their problems on me or just didn't care.. You're the only one i can really trust to tell anything and everything to no matter what. You helped me understand where I'm going in this great old world.. & helped me when I was all ALONE.. & I promise YOU that I'm always here for you no matter how small of the problem..I've always been afraid to trust anyone or tell anyone 'till i told you & knew that i could tell you anything... You are truly an amazing person & big hearted person.. Don't let anyone tell you differently you're going to be something great in the world and touch many peoples life's. The smallest things always count the most.. this song definitely reminds me of you; :) -Kate P-

Friday, April 8, 2011

& I get a little bit stronger

Well its Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday.. PARTYIN' PARTYIN' YEAH FUN FUN FUN FUUNN!
 Well me & that guy "broke it off" because he lied to me about going to a  dance with a girl and I even asked him "heard you went..." & he said yeah with my friend Gavin, but was his friend gabby. Then he called me shallow because i broke up with him cold hearted person.. Shows his true colors.. So anyways that didn't make me feel any better about my self. But I can't give up... For all of you who think you need to kill yourself you DONT its not worth the pain of your friends and family put your feet in their shoes and imagine if someone did that to you. I almost had a friend die. How can we change the situation that we are in well you can either keep dealing with it or you have to stand up for yourself! You cant let everybody walk all over you're too good for people to be doing that to you. Yes I did cut my self again...What does that make that 9.. ugh this really need to stop.. I cant get out of this stupid depression state. I WANT OUT I FEEL AS IF I AM SUFFOCATING . 
I'm done being there for people who aren't even there for me so why should i give to shits about that. I need someone to save me, help me, SOMETHING... :-/. But i guess as all this is going I'm getting a little bit stronger and if you can get through this you can get through ANYTHING even heart break though it may not seem it at the time life does go on. everything happens for a reason. Maybe to make you realize how perishes your life is. Let you touch many peoples life's.. Or in other hands leave your footprints in the sand, laugh a little, let that reflection looking back at you in  mirror not bother you or even the past you have to move on from what happened then, you can make a new beginning.. 
-Kate P-

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Old habits go away.

Hi There;
I'm starting to fall back into my old habits with the cutting, pills, not eating... Ive lost 3 more pounds so I've lost 23 pounds overall.. :-/. Yeah it feels good but when i want to eat something my stomach flips up side down & i want to throw up. When people pick on me or call me stupid it just makes the situation worse...Counseling couldn't come any faster... I feel guilty that I don't tell my parents that I'm dating this kid but on the other hand i know if i do tell them they wont respect him because they don't like him i guess. i know they are just looking out for me but... I got to make mistakes on my own with out mommy & daddy always being there to protect me because when i go off to college they aren't going to be there... But anyways I don't want to feel like the ugly duckling any more. Changing your thoughts from bad to good have to be easier than this.. But it's not so easy for me three years of thinking this way might just take a while to shake off.. If something doesn't change i don't know what the serveries are going to be the next time I do something.. cutting too deep, too many pills... If i wasn't for my friend NATASHA I would have probably went farther soooo Thank you for that...

But that's all for noww..
-Kate P-

Sunday, April 3, 2011

how do you know when deep is too deep?

Today's topic cutting, weight loss etc.
First listen to this song maybe this will make you realise what you actually do have why would you be sad about the little things when there are people living like this??..
 When you see your self do you wish people could feel what you feel to really understand how it feels?? I do.Well no one will fully understand how it feels unless they are in your shoes. People think "you're over dramatic" about it maybe they don't under stand how much it actually does hurt you.. The littlest "joke" could be life or death for someone.You never know what someone is going through until you actually KNOW that person you have been picking on, teasing, calling names TORTURING them.. Could go home everyday cut them self's, starve, or even get beat for that matter.. You need to think before you start doing these things. For the people who are going through it don't cut yourself just because people call you names. There's always going to be those heartless people who call people names because they have low self esteems them self's.Keep your heads high and spirits happy.. i know that's hard now a days

Down to 20 pounds less....
 It makes me feel good about my self when i lose weight i dont know about you.

-kate p-

Thursday, March 31, 2011

We were meant to be somebody.

 Well today was CRAP. In my culinary class this girl kept asking me so many freaking questions and i was trying to make a cake and do rolls at the same time what's fuck.Me and my mom got into a huge fight were still not talking and its been 3 hours, it wasn't just auguring it lead to more but lets not go into that... :/ I feel that only one person really understands how hard this is. The last two years have been the hardest losing best friends gain friends an emotional roller coaster really.. I'm not going to lie i thought about cutting alot and how good it would feel... I don't to go back i didn't eat dinner and I was counting calories shit this is bad  danger zone. This could be the day you change your whole life or even the world one step at a time will get you father then big steps! How do you do that, when you want to kill your self or cut go for a walk go for a run take Ur pet with you, just keep your mind busy without thinking about the bad. Listen to music it helps! I can only say keep your head up EAT SOMETHING, feel good about life put your past behind you, you need to  move past that and start to live your life. Please dont do anything "stupid"
-Kate P-

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I can see your halo & its glowing.

Dear peers,
   I know I haven't been blogging in over a week. I'm sorry I've been super busy with school, my job & trying to get close to my family again.I hope you all are doing well.I know im doing alright... I wanted to say that you are all beautiful! Not everyone is going to think so. But everyone has their own opinion and most certianly you can't please everyone so do what you want stay away from the bad influence, hang out with people who can HELP you not bring you down more.... So me and my dad finally hung out it was so nice we went to lunch then did some stuff we just went to the post office to send my friend her package which costed SOOO much fricken money but its worth it.When i look back on my life i relize that i became a strong person going through all this crap,  I would not change who I am now no matter what YOU think i dont care... You have to learn to live life to the fullest because before you know it, it could be over so what i'm saying is focus on the positive not that negitive it will feel so much better not letting every little thing get you down.. There's a reason that you were put on this earth and its sure as hell not to be down all the time... I'm still gonna go to consuling because when a bad day does come it might be....bad i dont know i want to keep this good mood up. Dont put on a fake smile put on a real one. I could give you 10 reason why you should smileee. Cutting, Drugs, starvation, Throwing up, putting ur self down, suicide.... NOT WORTH it people are here. Everyone is going through something they may look super happy...but could be the tottaly oppoiste.. If you see someone at school or on the street dont be so quick to judge them because of their weight they may be starving them selfs and lost 20 pounds or cutting them selfs because they think no one will ever love them and they think they are a stupid ugly peice of shit that isnt going to be anything in this world... i lost over 15 pounds starving my self and someone called me "fat" and just made me NOT want to eat..
The words that would go through my head;;
stupid, ugly, fat worthless, failure, kill ur self  you suck, cut your self it makes you feel better, you DESERVE to feel this way..
But now i dont feel like a failure or that i should kill/ cut myself and NO ONE deserves to feel that way..

- Kate P.-
P.S;; pretty pretty please dont you ever feel like youre nothing you are perfect!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

One of those days

Dear ladies and gentilmen;
  Today is just one of those bad days where you want to give up. But you can't give up. Heads must be held high at all times. Missing my grandma alot R.I.P </3. I'm not going to get down on my self for the little things. I know I will acheive great things and i hope you feel the same if not.. Then take these few words.. Keep working and giving 2000% even if its hard. I know I have to try two times harder than everyone at school, study twice as hard  and yes it is hard to the point i feel like giving up.. But I don't give up, I may shead a tear or two but i dont give up. If you want to be the best you can be you have to keep trying even know it may see like the end of the world(which its not). Today at school I was trying so hard. I don't know if this is the same for you if so then I UNDERSTAND! A book you should read if you are going through depression, cutting, parents divroce, losing a best friend or even annorexia is WINTER GIRLS by laurie hasle anderson. it will make you relize the dangers of cutting & annorexia. It about a high school student named Lia she goes to a mental hospital  a place for troubled teenagers, she gets out of there and is doing alot better until her friend Cassie died :x.. Then she was in the danger zone again. Which is her body weight of 98 pounds and going down.. She counts her calories and eats 800 or less. Her divorced parents think everything is fine but its not... READ THE BOOK TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENDS! Anyways keep your head up and don't forget you are something & beautiful inside and out. :) <3
A former Lia
-Kate P-
P.S Youre beautiful.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Living life

Dearest bloggers & bloggies;
I hope everything is well. School sucked but what can you say its school. People are over dramatic and too involved in other peoples business. THERE  are a lot of nice people in my town OVER DRAMATIC SELFISH PEOPLE IN MY TOWN! i keep telling my self one more year. CANT WAIT TO GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE! The guy i like is going to talk to my parents and try and get there approval i hope everything goes well fingers are crossed! Been listening to glee music for the last hour.. Life without music is nothing. One of my really good friends moved on friday... i miss her a lot. 
Anyways i hope everyone is well. I don't really know what to write today. But i'm just going to drill this in your head your are somebody in this big old world. A door is opened everyday keep doing what you love and stay excellent. My wishes, and prayers are going out to you tonight. We all need somebody to lean on.. It might be your teacher best friend close friend.
Good night, Good morning, or even good after noon world!<3
Lots of love
-Kate P-

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Strong 'till you break.

First I want to say happy late S.t Patricks Day,I haven't been "blogging" in a few days but many things have happened that are almost pushing me back into my old habits , but I am trying to sike my self out of it, and its starting to work... kinda.Alot of good stuff has happened lately too though.. Lets focus on those. :)

2) These last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. Here's the thing my mom doesn't like the guy I am see but i actually really like him  love him still. My mom doesn't understand where I am coming from he's not a bad guy. He's really nice, thoughtful would never do anything to hurt me & actually cares about me unlike some guys who just want sex etc, I just want to be with him with out having to be secretive about it. I told my mom i was going to dinner with him and she flipped out SERIOUSLY!!!??? there was no reason for that MOTHER! I'm miserable when I'm not with him so I'm going to secretively keep seeing him. I'm almost 18 i think i can make my own decisions and if it breaks me then oh well its my fault! ANYWAYS lets focus on the good now.

1) I got my prom dress woohoo & Starbucks=<33!
1,1/2) It was finally nice out 60 degrees to be exact (:
2) We are figuring out my stomach problems
3) Have met some cool people!
4) 3 day weekend!
5)Saw my nieces and nefues

All little advice:;

Keep your head up no matter how bad  the situation maybe even if you are running out of $ for your rent, being abused or even just having drama with your friends, things will get better if you don't always look at the negative i know its easier said than done but you really should start.Start doing something you love. I love cooking and helping people. Find something YOU love not your boyfriend/ girlfriend, not your mom, dad, guardian, and always go with your heart. You will achieve many great things if you can listen to your heart and do what you love to do.I've gone through a lot.. and you CAN do it. Suicide and cutting your self are NOT they answers.. when you cut your self you aren't hurting just your self but the people around you. When you kill your self you are putting your family & friends through alot you cant just give up like that, when you have the razor, scissors or whatever in your hand just think that if you do this they are all going to be sad no one wants to see you like this NOT even if you think they don't care. Everybody takes everything differently but you have to learn just to get over the bump in the road.


-Kate P-
You are worth something & life is a challenge but we all can be something in this world -listen to this true lyrics.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Having a friends in & from a diffrent country.

Dearest Friends;1)
3 years without you</3
My friend Lina Hwnag lived in Korea before she came to the states and  moved to Canada in 8th grade. We were best friends and i haven't seen her in 3 years and we always plan to see each other but something always gets in the way. i cryed so hard when she's moved. She still means a lot to me and we still talk from time to time but its not the same. When i get out of high school I plan to go see her. If you are reading this I MISS YOU!<3

miss & love you chick!
My close friend Natasha Brower is in Argentina on exchange. She's been there for 6 months.she had helped me though so much and shes not even here.  Ironic how that work. I am sooo soo happy that i met you.She is an amazing person and would do anything for anyone. I miss u chick. Can't wait until you come back. I am also happy for her that she is having such a good time there and kind of jealous! But that's besides the point i feel as I've known you all my life.. but only for a short time i can trust you with ANYTHING & EVERYTHING.Thank you for everything i really appreciate it & you.

So glad i met you!
 Hosting an excahange student from Germany HOW COOL:) Pia Horst! I didn't know her very well but i asked her if she still needed a host family anyways.. It's pretty cool to host a person from another country. You learn a lot about their country and also learn about them as a person.She is like my best friend now we have gotten so close in such a little time. If you have the chance to be a host family you really should. Although its going to be really hard when she leaves. But i am going to enjoy the time being. :)

Love your dearest friend;
Kate P

Stay excellent  
and remember your beauty shines not through your looks but your personality

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Be strong.

Dear world;
yes this is a real cut that was on my arm!
For  all you people who are having a tough time with  your life always remember god is always with you. I recently just got over the bump in the road and as the song firework says "after a hurricane comes a rainbow" it may not seem it at the time being but you can always get through it even know its hard.You can either make or break you, you decide if you're going to have a good life or bad one.If you need to talk to someone i highly recommend to see a therapist.It helps a lot,just getting things off your chest always feels good. If you are thinking about killing your self its really not worth it, even  if your having a hard time with the rent,friends,family,whatever it maybe suicide is NOT the answer either is cutting trust me i use to cut 7 times i did it, now that i look back its not worth the scars they are so ugly , it may seem it at the time but remind your self you're worth something to someone. I have never been good at thinking positivity but i have learned that if you want to be happy in life that's a thing you Have to do no matter how hard you think it maybe. I use to count  my calories every day so i would eat a normal amount  about 1000 calories less than i should i knew i had a problem and tryed to each more but i gained a pound and thought oh my gosh "I'm getting so fat" and so i went back to my old habits such as not eat.Now that this "evil depression" is over i can actually feel free i feel like nothing was worth what i did i wish i could take it back. i hurt so many people that were close to me.  People come and they go that's what you have to remember they come in your life for a reason to serve a purpose and when they purpose is served they either move or  well lets not go there.
Wake up in the morning tell your self you ARE pretty you ARE skinny you ARE NOT a failure what ever the bad thoughts maybe tell your self the opposite. When i wake up in the morning i look in the mirror and tell my self I'm worth something i can do whatever i want if i put my mind to it etc

Sincerely a person who understands
Kate P.

P.S. :: you are perfect!